


26 Hesler Rd., Apt. 3A

by Fierce_Insomniac_Home_From_Cold_Climates



Category: Original Work
Genre: #Am I doing this right?, #I'm not actually sure I know how hashtags work, #abject fatalism, #australia is a scary place, #dialogue, #millennials, #ultra competitive monopoly, #we're not as bad as all that, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-05-14 12:17:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14769468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fierce_Insomniac_Home_From_Cold_Climates/pseuds/Fierce_Insomniac_Home_From_Cold_Climates
Summary: A millennial love story, told in dialogue.Feat. Australia, mortgage fraud, abject fatalism, the Backstreet Boys, french cooking, fire extinguishers





	1. Australia

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote the first chapter as an uninterrupted string of text messages to my sister because she wasn't answering and I was feeling a little obnoxious...and it sort of went on from there.

"So, on a scale of one to Australia, how dangerous are we talking?" she asked.

"Ummm, higher than drunk people with dynamite, but not quite as bad as standing between a woman and her chocolate..." muttered Sam, as he dug through the trunk.

"Well shit," said Kate, thrumming her heels on the wall. "I suppose there's no way around it then?" she asked cheerfully.

"Big Bird has a better chance of taking down the Mexican mafia than we have of surviving this," Sam muttered as he pulled his head out and glowered. "But the laws of nature demand it," he continued, with a despondent shake of his head. "The sun must rise in the east, the earth must spin around the sun, dropped toast must land butter-side down..." He paused for breath (and dramatic effect). "And men and women, against all better judgment, are drawn inexplicably towards each other, like the rim of a star on the verge of implosion, by a force that transcends even physics..."

"You're lucky I find abject fatalism so attractive," interjected Kate, "Was there a point to all this?"

"The point," said Sam darkly, "is that I love you. But the two of us moving in together...well…” 

Kate nodded.  
And smiled.

And said, "Australia had better watch his back."


	2. Boxes

“What is in these?!?!” Sam panted, as he hauled yet another nondescript cardboard box into the apartment.

“Mostly books. And my hopes and dreams for the future. And my expectations of you and our life together,” Kate said absently as she sorted the silverware into the drawers. 

“Oh, is that all.” 

“Well, I think I may have tucked your mother’s vague disapproval and desire for grandchildren in there somewhere too,” Kate mused. 

Sam stumbled over to the sink. “Well, she’s not getting any grandchildren from this quarter if I keel over from heat stroke!” He pulled a glass out of the box on the counter and filled it from the sink as he continued, “I don’t suppose you’d like to help? You know, since we live in a third floor walk-up with a broken elevator?” 

“No.”

“Kate – ”

“No.”

“But – ”

“We had a bet.” Kate said calmly. “Don’t you remember? You lost.”

“You cheated.” 

“It was a watermelon seed spitting contest. How could I possibly cheat?”

“You flashed me right as I was supposed to be spitting!” 

“There was no rule about flashing.”

“You’re skating by on a technicality! You cheated at watermelon-seed spitting just like you cheat at monopoly!”

Kate whirled around and gasped, “I do not!” 

“Last time we played you distracted me with thin mints so you could take a loan out against my properties!”

“That’s just good business maneuvering!”

“That’s mortgage fraud!”

“That’s immaterial to our current debate!” Kate declared. “You lost a bet. You have to suffer the consequences.”

“How about a new bet? Double or nothing!” 

Kate’s back stiffened. “No.” 

“You want to don’t you?”

“No I really don’t.” 

“It’s killing you not to take this. The compulsive gambler in you is tearing you apart – ”

“I said no!”

“—but you can’t say yes because you know the odds are stacked against you. You know you can’t win.” 

“FINE! Fine!” Kate sighed. “What did you have in mind?” 

“I want to talk about the shoes.” There was a tense, heavy pause.

“Haven’t you ever seen a nature documentary before?” Kate asked quietly. Sam’s face twisted with confusion at the non sequitur. 

“What?”

“I’ll give you a hint,” Kate continued quietly, “it never goes well for the guy that gets in between the mother and her babies.” 

“You really love them that much?”

“Yes.”

“All of them individually? Each pair is truly special to you?”

“Of course. That’s why I can’t bear to throw any of them away.” 

“You’re sure. You’d be willing to bet on that?” 

“Absolutely. What are the stakes?” 

“If I can prove you wrong, you’ll help me move all of the boxes—”

“Yes.”

“—and you’ll throw away 5 pairs.” 

Kate’s gaze became steely. 

“Those stakes are pretty high for me. What do I get if I win?”

“A 20 minute back massage?”

“Not good enough.”

“A 30 minute back massage?”

“If you lose you have to throw it away.” Sam froze. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” said Kate, stalking him across the kitchen. “If I win you have to throw out the lamp that looks like a fire hydrant.”

“It’s cool!”

“It has a plastic figurine of a dog peeing on it.”

“So, it’s quirky!”

“It’s an assault on basic good taste.”

“It’s a metaphor! It represents the way that you can just be going along with your life when, suddenly, without warning or provocation, things go terribly wrong. The dog is not peeing on the fire hydrant because it deserves it. It is doing so because that is the nature of dogs. And that is the nature of existence for fire hydrants. Some people get to do the unprovoked peeing. Some people get peed on. That’s the nature of the universe – ”

“Do we have a deal?” Kate interrupted before Sam could really warm to his theme. Sam hesitated. 

“We’ve got a deal.” He said, clasping her hand across the counter. “Your task is simple, there are 6 boxes of shoes, I’m going to put one of them in the bedroom. If you can look through the other boxes and tell me exactly which pairs of shoes are missing, you win.”

“No problem,” said Kate, with a smug smile. So Sam hauled one of the boxes into the other room and left Kate to peruse the other five. She was surprisingly casual in her investigation, pulling a shoe out now and them to turn it over and smile fondly. But as the minutes ticked by and the tension in the room thickened, she smiled less and less, her eyes flicked from one box to the next and a line appeared between her eyebrows. 

“I want to give you a chance to back out of this.” She said, finally. “I know how much you love that hideous lamp.” Sam’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

“You are giving me a chance to back out? I don’t think so sweetheart. You can’t bluff your way out of this one.”

“I’m not trying to bluff my way out of anything!” snapped Kate with an expressive snort. But her eyes held a barely concealed look of desperation.

“Oh really?” mocked Sam. 

“I’m just giving you one last chance!”

“Well, I’m not falling for it. We made a bet. Now you have to suffer the consequences.” 

“Okay, fine,” she said in a small voice. Sam smirked. 

“Go ahead then, which pairs are missing?” And, suddenly, Kate smiled. A terrible sort of smile filled with triumph. 

“The last box has my yellow and pink floral summer wedges, my silver ballet flats, my black combat boots, my teal pumps with the little white polka dots, and my grey kitty cat slippers.”

Sam’s mouth dropped open. 

“That’s not possible!” He spluttered. “You’re not human!” Kate smirked as she twirled across the room, grabbed the offending fire-hydrant-lamp and tossed it gracefully into the trashcan in the corner. Sam choked a little. 

“Just think of this as a learning experience darling,” Kate said sweetly, “Sometimes, you can just be going along with your life when suddenly, without warning or provocation, things go terribly wrong.”


	3. Insomnia

“Sam. Sam. Saaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm.” 

“Ughfrhhhhrrr….” 

“I can’t sleep.” 

“Really? Is it all that god-awful noise keeping you up?”

“What?”

“Oh no, that’s just me.”

“I swear I think I might be a clinical insomniac. I can never sleep.”

“Oh god. I think I may have caught that too.” 

“Insomnia isn’t contagious Sam.” 

“And yet every time you can’t sleep, I find that something keeps me up as well.” 

“Sam – ”

“Oh no, wait, that’s just you.”

“Sam!”

“Ok, ok, what’s keeping you up?”

“You know what, it’s stupid really, never mind –”

“Spit it out Kate.”

“It’s just the stars.”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean they’re just so far away. Impossibly far. How do you wrap your head around something that is so far away that the only proof you have of it’s existence is a point of ancient light that hasn’t actually touched anything in thousands of years.”

“Um, Kate – ”

“And just think about the light itself! That photon has flown for thousands of years, hundreds of thousands of kilometers every second, through the frozen vacuum of space set on a perfect trajectory for earth just to be interrupted a few feet from the ground by your eyeball which just happens to have a pigment that is perfectly engineered to change confirmation and relay a tiny chemical impulse through a network of organic fibers and that’s you, that’s your world. All of that just so you can gaze at the stars.”

“That’s amazing”

“I know.”

“No, no, I was talking about the fact that you think 2:30AM is a good time to be puzzling through the mysteries of the universe.”

“Sam!”

“That’s truly remarkable, I mean— ”

“Oh fine! Go back to sleep then! I don’t know what I see in you! You have no romance in your soul!”

“Kate?”

“Goodnight!”

“Kate – ”

“I said goodnight!”

“Do you want to go look at the stars?”

“Yeah alright.”


	4. Soy Sauce

“We can’t do this.” 

“Kate –”

“I’m serious Sam. We can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

“I think that ending a three-year relationship over stir-fry is a little bit premature.” 

“You really don’t see the problem here? Not even a little tiny bit?!?” 

“Well, I see the soy sauce on the ceiling and I assume that in a perfect world – ”

“This is not about soy sauce Sam.” Kate whispered, “This is not about stir-fry. This is about us. This is about you and me. This is about me locking myself out 4 times in the last 3 days. It’s about not knowing that we needed to pay a security deposit even though this apartment is far more of a threat to our security than the other way around. This is about the fact that neither of us knows how to iron our clothes. Hell, we don’t even own an iron! We don’t know how to pay our own taxes! I still think that ketchup is a vegetable and drink wine straight out of the bottle while listening to the Backstreet Boys. You still think that laundry is one of the great challenges of life. WE TRIED TO FIX A LEAK IN OUR PLUMBING WITH HOT GLUE – ”

“Kate – ”

“HOT GLUE SAM!” 

“I know Kate. I know all of that. But that’s just keys and taxes and plumbing. That’s not us. That’s not you and me,” Sam said with a shrug.

“No, that’s two kids pretending they know something about what an adult relationship looks like. We don’t know anything about the real world Sam! And how can this not matter to you? You are the fatalist in this relationship. You are the one who mutters that we shouldn’t bother fixing the mailbox because it’s all going to be destroyed anyway in the next major meteor impact. You’re the one who made me take him to the hospital at 4 in the morning because you were sure you had a ruptured spleen that turned out to just be bad Mexican takeout. You were the one who said that Big Bird has a better chance of taking down the Mexican mafia than we have of surviving this. And you were right.” 

“Of course I was worried about survival. Between the two of us we don’t have anyone who knows how to operate all of the basic household appliances and I’m pretty sure we exceed the safe weight limit on the fire escape. But I was never worried that we wouldn’t learn. I don’t care if you listen to the Backstreet Boys until you’re 90 years old. Or, if you never stop eating whipped cream straight from the can and you always paint each on of your toenails a different color because you can’t decide which one you like best. I will think that you are perfect if you learn to fix the hot water heater, and I will still think so even if we have to take cold showers for the rest of our lives. And if I was living on microwave mac and cheese in wrinkled clothes with the IRS banging down the door there is still no one I’d rather be with than you.”

Kate sniffled, “Really?” 

“I will love you even if you never learn to make stir fry.” Sam said. Kate sniffled again, a little smile tugging at her lips. 

“Yeah?”

“Of course, it’s all a moot point if we’re crushed by a meteor – ” 

“Shut up Sam.”


	5. Olfaction

“What on earth are you doing?” 

“I’m not doing anything. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“You’re smelling me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just sniffling…because of allergies.” 

“Kate- ”

“Yes. I’m allergic to your terrible taste in movies. What the hell is even happening here, are they still tripping from those red and blue pills they took at the beginning of the movie?”

“What!?! You haven’t even been - I can’t believe you – it’s the Matrix for crying out loud Kate! It’s a classic!” 

“If you say so. I think - ”

“Stop trying to distract me. Why were you smelling me?”

“I told you I was just sniffling.” 

“Fine.”

“But you smell nice. You smell like laundry detergent and absent-mindedness - ”

“Oh yeah? And what does absent-mindedness smell like?” 

“It smells powerfully of laundry detergent. You accidentally poured it in the dryer again didn’t you?” 

“I’m not going to admit to that.”

“Fine. I wasn’t finished yet anyway. You smell like laundry detergent and absent-mindedness and Thai food and boring movies and unscented lotion and complex logic - ”

“Logic doesn’t have a smell.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course it does. It smells like black coffee and the law library and perfectly straight lines.”

“Oh, my bad. Go on.” 

“You smell like logic and mint toothpaste and hard work and hypochondria and dry humor with a little bit of nihilism and something else I can’t quite put my finger on…”

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that, it’s probably just a bit of wild absurdity.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes really. You’re rubbing off on me.” 

“That must be terrible for you.” 

“It is. I’m starting to think that there may be permanent damage actually.”

“How dreadful. I really don’t know why you don’t just go find some perfectly ordinary girl who just smells like shampoo and whatever she had for lunch.” 

“I’m afraid that simply isn’t possible for me, I would never be able to keep a girl like that around the house.”

“Why not?”

“I have allergies.”


	6. Chapter 6

“One chocolate frosted donut please.”

“What? No! Don’t you want a breakfast burrito?” 

“I want a donut.” 

“Breakfast burritos are the breakfast of champions.” 

“Well, donuts are the breakfast of Kate.”

“Donuts are the Kardashians of the bagel world.” 

“Excuse me?”

“They look pretty. When you look at them you expect them to be better than an ordinary bagel, but after three or four you realize that they’re all show and no substance. No substance at all. And you’re not quite sure how you got sucked in but you kind of hate yourself - ” 

“Sam. Sam. It’s 5AM. It’s way waaaaaaaayyyy too early for a discussion of your social media celebrity bagel philosophy.” 

“ – Plus, there’s a plastic surgery metaphor lurking in there. Because a bagel is made in that shape so it’s complete just as it is, whereas they cut the middle bit of the donut out to get it to look like that. So they’re giving you less and charging you more for something that is supposedly more aesthetically pleasing for having a piece cut out of it.”

“So you’re saying that eating donut holes is pretty much like eating medical waste.” 

“Yes! Wait, no, that’s not quite what I - ”

“No I think you’re right. For that matter, eating eggs is a great metaphor too. Eggs are the corporate industrialists of the food world, they say they are going to protect the environment so it can feed and nurture future generations but they break apart under the smallest pressure.” 

“Um. I guess so. But - ”

“And cheese. Cheese is the marketing executive of the food world. In any other circumstance you would call it mold and throw it away. But they manage to convince you that you should pay extra to have your milk curdled and partially digested by a horde of bacteria because it’s going to be better that way.”

“I’m not sure that - ”

“And sausages! Sausages are like politicians! They look good at first glance. Wholesome and All-American. What’s more American that tossing a few brats on the barbeque! But you never really know what’s going on inside: they claim to be all meat but who knows if that includes intestines or eyeballs or some other seedy and foul nonsense. And every once in a while they’re exposed and we all pretend to be outraged, but deep down we wish that we had never found out that our idols were snorting cocaine off of hookers and our hot dogs were made of actual dogs.” 

“Gee thanks Kate. I totally want to eat my breakfast burrito now.” 

“Oh my bad. Would you like half of my donut? The worst thing it ever did was get divorced and take too many selfies.” 

“Fine.”

“Don’t worry Sam. Donuts are the breakfast of superstars.” 


	7. Smoke Alarm

“KATE! Where are you! I need help right now! Kate! Kate! We have a big problem, shit, this apartment isn’t that big, where are you hiding…Kate!”

“Sam – ”

“KATE! Where have you been!”

“Um…the laundry room? You were having a panic attack 20 minutes ago about a stain in your favorite blue button down but I think I got it out, you can calm down now…”

“NO! KATE! I’m having a totally NEW panic attack about a totally DIFFERENT crisis!”

“Of course you are. What’s the crisis now?”

“THE ELEVATOR IS BROKEN!”

“…”

“KATE. IT’S BROKEN.”

“Sam. I know it’s broken. It’s been broken for almost 2 months.”

“KATE – ”

“Wait, how did you not realize that before now? Is that why it takes you so long to walk home? Have you been waiting for the broken elevator every day for the last two months?”

“Ok, first, no. I only spent forty minutes waiting for the elevator that first day. It takes me a long time to walk home because – ”

“You spent forty minutes waiting for an elevator?”

“THAT ISN’T THE POINT KATE!”

“Ok. Jeez. We’ll come back to that. What exactly is the crisis if it isn’t the broken elevator that you supposedly already knew about?”

“MY MOTHER IS COMING KATE. If the elevator is broken then that means that she’ll have to take the stairs!”

“Seriously? That’s the crisis? It’s your mother! Not the queen of Sheba! And yes, I know that your mother is a little, um – ”

“What?”

“Discerning?”

“She’s a terrific pain in the ass.”

“Yes. Yes, she is. Your words not mine. But, she’s already seen the apartment!”

“I know but –”

“And she already hates it!”

“Yes she does, but – ”

“So, if she already thinks that we’re living in squalor, squatting in a dusty, shadowy corner of civilizations, basically living in a tent under a bridge, then the broken elevator is hardly going to make any difference, right?”

“I guess that’s true…”

“It is absolutely true. So, the elevator crisis has been resolved with common sense. The shirt crisis has been resolved with oxy-clean. The mismatched cutlery crisis has been resolved with the wonder of paper plates. The noisy neighbor crisis has been resolved by promising to carry his garbage off the fire escape for the next month if he promises not to have energetic sex above our dining room for the next 5 hours. I know your family is a little stressful Sam, but your brother’s birthday party is under control.”

“But – ”

“I’m serious Sam! No more panic! I can’t take any more panic.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. But seriously, we’re done with that now. Just go to the kitchen and start filling up bowls of chips while I get dressed, and try not to be such an alarmist.”

“Right. Bowls of chips. I can do that.”

“Yes you can.”

“What do you think I should wear? I was thinking of wearing that dress with the polka dots but I can’t remember for the life of me where I put it –”

 

“KATE!”

“ – You wouldn’t think you could lose a dress in a closet this tiny, but I really do have a lot of – ”

“KATE!”

“SAM! I told you to stop freaking out! Just take a deep breath!”

“BUT…”

“—Oohh!! What about my overalls! Those are kind of casual and funky! Oh wait, your mother is going to be here. Never mind. I can’t deal with that level of side-eye and pointed sighing – ”

“Kate, just a quick thing, and then you can get back to your outfit…”

“What do you think of these shoes?”

“Um…they’re fine, but – ”

“With this lipstick?”

“Sweetheart, I don’t mean to alarm you, but the cake is on fire.”

“And what about these…wait, WHAT???”

“…And the oven, and sort of, the wall…”

“OH MY GOD!”

“…and the doorbell just rang…”


	8. Smoke Alarm

“KATE! Where are you! I need help right now! Kate! Kate! We have a big problem, shit, this apartment isn’t that big, where are you hiding…Kate!”

“Sam – ”

“KATE! Where have you been!”

“Um…the laundry room? You were having a panic attack 20 minutes ago about a stain in your favorite blue button down but I think I got it out, you can calm down now…”

“NO! KATE! I’m having a totally NEW panic attack about a totally DIFFERENT crisis!”

“Of course you are. What’s the crisis now?”

“THE ELEVATOR IS BROKEN!”

“…”

“KATE. IT’S BROKEN.”

“Sam. I know it’s broken. It’s been broken for almost 2 months.”

“KATE – ”

“Wait, how did you not realize that before now? Is that why it takes you so long to walk home? Have you been waiting for the broken elevator every day for the last two months?”

“Ok, first, no. I only spent forty minutes waiting for the elevator that first day. It takes me a long time to walk home because – ”

“You spent forty minutes waiting for an elevator?”

“THAT ISN’T THE POINT KATE!”

“Ok. Jeez. We’ll come back to that. What exactly is the crisis if it isn’t the broken elevator that you supposedly already knew about?”

“MY MOTHER IS COMING KATE. If the elevator is broken then that means that she’ll have to take the stairs!”

“Seriously? That’s the crisis? It’s your mother! Not the queen of Sheba! And yes, I know that your mother is a little, um – ”

“What?”

“Discerning?”

“She’s a terrific pain in the ass.”

“Yes. Yes, she is. Your words not mine. But, she’s already seen the apartment!”

“I know but –”

“And she already hates it!”

“Yes she does, but – ”

“So, if she already thinks that we’re living in squalor, squatting in a dusty, shadowy corner of civilizations, basically living in a tent under a bridge, then the broken elevator is hardly going to make any difference, right?”

“I guess that’s true…”

“It is absolutely true. So, the elevator crisis has been resolved with common sense. The shirt crisis has been resolved with oxy-clean. The mismatched cutlery crisis has been resolved with the wonder of paper plates. The noisy neighbor crisis has been resolved by promising to carry his garbage off the fire escape for the next month if he promises not to have energetic sex above our dining room for the next 5 hours. I know your family is a little stressful Sam, but your brother’s birthday party is under control.”

“But – ”

“I’m serious Sam! No more panic! I can’t take any more panic.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. But seriously, we’re done with that now. Just go to the kitchen and start filling up bowls of chips while I get dressed, and try not to be such an alarmist.”

“Right. Bowls of chips. I can do that.”

“Yes you can.”

“What do you think I should wear? I was thinking of wearing that dress with the polka dots but I can’t remember for the life of me where I put it –”

 

“KATE!”

“ – You wouldn’t think you could lose a dress in a closet this tiny, but I really do have a lot of – ”

“KATE!”

“SAM! I told you to stop freaking out! Just take a deep breath!”

“BUT…”

“—Oohh!! What about my overalls! Those are kind of casual and funky! Oh wait, your mother is going to be here. Never mind. I can’t deal with that level of side-eye and pointed sighing – ”

“Kate, just a quick thing, and then you can get back to your outfit…”

“What do you think of these shoes?”

“Um…they’re fine, but – ”

“With this lipstick?”

“Sweetheart, I don’t mean to alarm you, but the cake is on fire.”

“And what about these…wait, WHAT???”

“…And the oven, and sort of, the wall…”

“OH MY GOD!”

“…and the doorbell just rang…”


	9. A Perfect Crime

“Hey honey, what do you want to do for dinner– ”

“So this bitch!”

“I always know it’s going to be a good story when it starts with ‘so this bitch’…”

“You aren’t going to believe what she did!”

“Wait, which bitch are we talking about here? The one who always steals your key lime pie yogurts?”

“No, that’s Selina. Totally different bitch.”

“Is it the one who listens to her ear buds so loud that you can hear it and it distracts you but you can’t say anything because technically she’s being polite and wearing ear buds?”

“No, that’s Meaghan. Also a bitch. Also not relevant to this story.”

“Is it –”

“It’s a new bitch I haven’t told you about yet.”

“Oh ok, who?”

“Kennedy.”

“You work with a Kennedy?”

“No, that’s her first name.”

“God. Somehow that seems both belittling, and like it sets an impossible standard.”

“She’s –”

“She sounds like the girl version of a ken doll. And also, like she would wear too many polo shirts. Does she do that bizarre thing where she drapes her sweater over her shoulders like some sort of cape but doesn’t put her arms through the sleeves? I hate that.”

“Yes she does! But that’s not what makes her a bitch!”

“Oh right, sorry. Go on with your story.”

“So this bitch. Kennedy. She’s getting married.”  
“That’s it?”

“No. I mean, it’s not a problem that she’s getting married. But evidently she’s marrying some super rich advertising exec or something and she keeps rubbing it in everyone’s face. She’s always complaining about how awful wedding planning it is, and how everything is so expensive, and she phrases it like a complaint but somehow she keeps managing to tell everybody exactly how much her rich-ass fiancé is spending on flowers and seat covers.”

“That sounds obnoxious. Maybe you should – ”

“Yeah! And she goes on and on about how happy she is and how she never thought she would end up with someone as amazing as whatever-his-name. Like getting married is some kind of huge achievement! It’s not that hard to get married!”

“I feel like I should point out here that you and I are not getting married just to spite your obnoxious co-worker.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! You’re a broke law student. Kennedy wouldn’t be impressed by that at all.”

“Well gee, thanks Kate.”

“You know what I mean!”

“Why don’t you just change the subject?”

“I try! But she does that thing where she says ‘You’re so right Kate! I don’t even want to talk about wedding planning anymore!’ but then when we try to talk about anything else she brings it up again.”

“Well maybe she’s just excited?”

“I’m excited about stuff too. She doesn’t have to be completely insufferable.”

“I mean, getting married is kind of a big deal. You only do it once, in theory…”

“Sam! You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“I just think you might be overreacting a little bit. Just ignore her.”

“I can think of someone else I’m getting ready to ignore.”

“Ok! I’m sorry! I can be supportive. We should totally murder her.”

“Excuse me?”

“I thought you wanted me to be on your side?”

“So you jump straight to murder??”

“Too much?”

“Maybe a little.”

“Sorry, so about dinner –”

“Plus, if you go to prison, we’ll never get to have a really awesome wedding.”

“Excuse me!?!”

“I’m not saying we need to get married any time soon!”

“Not that!”

“Um…”

“You don’t think I could get away with a murder? I totally could!”

“You could not! You have a terrible poker face. You would break down after 5 minutes of interrogation.”

“That is…probably true. But it wouldn’t matter! Because I would totally set up the evidence to trick the police into thinking it was someone else. I wouldn’t even get interrogated because they would think that they already had their man.”

“Who would you set up? Her fiancé? That would be logical.”

“Too obvious. The boyfriend always gets framed so the police would be on the lookout for that sort of thing.”

“Then who? It would have to be someone who has a motive to kill her, but you don’t even know her so how would you know who to pick?”

“I already know someone with motive to kill her.”

“Who?”

“You, obviously.”

“Excuse me!?! You’re going to set me up for murder? I thought you were being supportive!”

“I am! I would set up the crime scene to point to you being the killer. And it would be easy, because I totally have access to your fingerprints and your DNA. But I would make sure that all of the evidence that points to you is just a little bit circumstantial. And the police would think that you did it but you wouldn’t crack under interrogation because, unlike me, you have a great poker face.”

“Plus, I didn’t actually do it.”

“Right. So you would be arrested and the police wouldn’t bother looking for anyone else. But you would be found not guilty at trial because the evidence would be flimsy, and because you would have an amazing lawyer, who is intimately familiar with the details of the crime!”

“That’s you?”

“Exactly! It’s a perfect crime!”

“You’ve been bored in your criminal prosecution class, huh?”

“Maybe a little.”

“It’s making you a little morbid.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve always been a little morbid.”

“True enough.”

“Good thing you’re kind of into it.”

“Oh my god, I am not.”

“You should be sure to put that in your wedding vows. You know, someday.”

“Right…wedding vows…someday.”

“Right.”

“So…dinner?”


	10. After the Beep

You’ve been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging service. 719-207-9964 is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

“Heeeeeeyyyyyy Sam…so I guess you’re already on the plane. I was hoping to catch you before you turned off your phone. Any minute now you’re going to discover that you forgot your anxiety medication that you take before you fly. I know because I’m looking at it now. Obviously it’s too late for me to do anything with it, but I thought maybe I could provide some kind of soothing girlfriendy moral support…actually it’s probably better that you didn’t answer because I haven’t been very successful at calming you down on planes before, and that was when I was there in person. Jesus, when we flew to my cousin’s wedding that one time I thought I was definitely going to strangle you. I didn’t want to ask at the time but do you have some kind of traumatic back-story with planes? Actually that’s probably not a great thing for you to be dwelling on right now. Forget I said anything. Sorry, jeez, I got side tracked. So, I considered carefully, and I decided that the best calming tactic for you would be statistics, so here goes. Just remember, you are more likely to be struck by lightning, be killed by a dog, die in an elevator, or slip in the bathtub, than die in a plane crash. Fun fact, did you know that someone dies in America almost every day from slipping in the bathtub? And the number of people who die in bathtubs has risen 70% in the last ten years? That’s weird right? But there are no bathtubs on a plane, so you’re golden! Also, there are probably not going to be any kangaroos on your flight. Did you know, they are one of the most dangerous animals in Australia and have killed 18 people in the last 10 years? But, do you know what’s even crazier? They were beaten out by COWS. Yeah. Cows have killed 33 Australians in the last decade. Australia needs to get its shit together. Or at least, that’s what I thought until I realized that cows kill an average of 20 Americans every year. Anyway, probably none of that was very helpful. But try not to panic too much. I don’t know how many people each year are strangled by neighboring passengers on planes, but I assume that you’re flirting with danger there. I love you. Call me when you land. And tell the person next to you good luck from me.”

 

Hi there! You’ve reached Kate! Obviously I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll talk to you soon! 

“Kate! This call is coming from inside the plane! It’s all over! I’m definitely going to die! We’re over the ocean Kate! The ocean! What kind of psychotic savage thought it was a good idea to launch human beings over the ocean in a glorified sardine tin. I’M A SARDINE KATE. I’M SMELLY AND I’M GOING TO DIE. But I wanted you to know that I’ve always loved…Sir, are you on your telephone? …you, and once I’m dead, and after an appropriate period of mourning, I’m ok with you being with Chris Evans…Sir, you can’t make telephone calls while we’re in the air…I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO TELL MY GIRLFRIEND…I understand that sir but I really have to insist…Kate! They’re coming for…”  
You’ve been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging service. 719-207-9964 is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

“Hello, my name is Kate Miles, this is my boyfriend’s phone but given the message that I woke up to this morning, I’m going to go ahead and assume that it’s been confiscated and I’m speaking directly to a TSA agent or an extremely irritated flight attendant…I’m really sorry about him. He’s not…great…with planes. But he really is a good guy. And he’s not actually psychotic under normal circumstances. So, it would be great if you could just let this one slide? Just this once? I totally promise to never let him out of the house without his knockout drugs again. Anyway, if he ever gets out of airport jail, have him give me a call? Please?”

 

Hi there! You’ve reached Kate! Obviously I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll talk to you soon!

“Christ, your answering message is chirpy. Like way waaaaaay too chirpy. And loud. Possibly that’s the five mini vodkas talking. Apparently transatlantic flight attendants don’t carry sedatives but they will let you drink yourself into a stupor if the turbulence gets bad enough and you make enough racket. Speaking of which, I absolutely do not want you to be with Chris Evans. That was the panic talking. The hangover says that when I die an untimely death, notice that I say when not if, I only want you to be with guys who are obviously less attractive and less intelligent than me. No chiseled marble abs for you. But thank you for interceding with the flight attendants on my behalf. They all got a grating giggle out of your last message.”

 

Hi there! You’ve reached Kate! Obviously I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll talk to you soon!

“Oh and one more thing. Don’t go in the bathtub until I get home. Clearly there’s some kind of epidemic going on.” 

 

Hi there! You’ve reached Kate! Obviously I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll talk to you soon!

“Also, for God’s sake don’t go on any farms.” 

 

You’ve been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging service. 719-207-9964 is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

“Damn. I missed you again. You called me at work, and now you must be sleeping. I’m glad to hear you’re not in airport jail. Although you’re with your mother now so I suppose that is it’s own kind of prison. And there’s nothing wrong with my answering message! It’s friendly. Most people like that. And you shouldn’t be throwing stones, you don’t even have an voicemail message. Someone tries to call you and instead they just get a robot. Anyway, I guess I’ll talk to you later. Things are boring here without you. Maybe I’ll take up a new hobby! Like French cooking or horseback riding!”

 

Hi there! You’ve reached Kate! Obviously I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll talk to you soon!

“I see how it is. You miss me, but not enough to answer your phone. When you don’t answer, your chirpy greeting just seems like it’s rubbing salt in the wound. I don’t think my great uncle’s funeral is likely to be long enough for you to learn a new hobby, and I definitely do not think you should take up either cooking or horseback riding. Horses seem even more dangerous than cows. They have shifty eyes. And I’ve seen you try and cook. You’re a menace to society.” 

 

Hi there! You’ve reached Kate! Obviously I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll talk to you soon!

“But, I miss you too.”

 

You haven’t reached Sam, but you’ve reached his robotic recording. I certainly hope you appreciate me taking the time to set this up. I assume you know what’s coming next.

“Well, that is certainly more you than the robot lady. Though I’m not sure I would say it’s any friendlier. Also, quick question…Do we have a fire extinguisher?”

 

You haven’t reached Sam, but you’ve reached his robotic recording. I certainly hope you appreciate me taking the time to set this up. I assume you know what’s coming next.

“Never mind! Found it!” 

This is Kate. I’m sure you were expecting a friendlier greeting than this, but SOMEONE couldn’t keep his opinions to himself so now you all have to suffer unfairly. Unless this is Sam, in which case you’re suffering completely fairly. 

“Kate! Answer your phone! Why did you need a fire extinguisher??”

 

This is Kate. I’m sure you were expecting a friendlier greeting than this, but SOMEONE couldn’t keep his opinions to himself so now you all have to suffer unfairly. Unless this is Sam, in which case you’re suffering completely fairly.

“The risk of dying in a fire is higher than plane crashes or Australian cows. Call me back!”

 

This is Kate. I’m sure you were expecting a friendlier greeting than this, but SOMEONE couldn’t keep his opinions to himself so now you all have to suffer unfairly. Unless this is Sam, in which case you’re suffering completely fairly.

“YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE FRENCH COOKING.”

 

“Hello?”

“Kate! What the hell! What happened!”

“Calm down! The landlord just came by and wanted to know if we were complying with the lease agreement.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“Me too.”

“I thought you were serious about cooking there for a second.”

“Hah…actually, about that – ”

“Kate.”

“When are you coming home again?”

“Thursday. What did you do?”

“Nothing! I can totally have this cleaned up by then!”

“What’s this???”

“Love you! Bye!”

“Kate!”

 

Hello! You’ve reached Kate! I can’t come to the phone right now! I’m definitely not avoiding your calls Sam. Why would I even do that?? Leave a message!


End file.
